You are a Man
Being a Man – Cock and Balls
Lets start with the basics. Your gentleman sausage is your pride and joy. You take it everywhere and rarely leave it alone. It truly is your best friend. They all bend upwards or some like those special guns bend around corners.
Most cocks are average when erect, small ones can grow alot, big ones just get harder.
Yep thats about right
God had an off-day. A ballbag is an ugly thing. Hairy, saggy, looks like a turkeys neck. Sensitive when squeezed, ridiculously painful when you slip on your bike. On the coldest days they creep back inside you, on hot days the ball bag sticks to your legs.
One hangs lower than the other, they slap about in anything but briefs, and they popout when sunbathing. Utterly ridiculous.
Being a man and not leaving it alone
Home Alone, play with your bone
Make sure you are home alone as you don’t need that look on your wife/girlfriend/mothers face when you get caught bashing the bishop to some filth. It can really break your stride and sometimes not finish at all.
WFH is Wanking From Home and whilst it won’t make you go blind, you might miss your 2pm. This is commonly called ‘problems with Teams’. You can wank as much as you want, its normal and untaxable (so far).
Yeah you wish
I’m flattered but…
Can you yourself a mischief?
Not as far as I’m aware. I mean you can make it sore but thats just common sense to leave it alone for a bit.
Typically the day you play is the day your missus says ‘do you want some action?’. It can help for sex in that you are going to last much longer, but she might get offended that you can’t cum. Just tell her you had some DIY or ‘me time’ earlier and that she might need to finish you off when she’s done.
being a man – Looking at other woman
Being a Man – Guilty
oops i did it again
Any season but especially Summer, when hibernating hotties appear from underground. Game over. Any bum in lycra, a crop top, boobs of any size. Actually just any/all women. We can’t help it.
It is natural to look, but try to do it without being creepy. Don’t stare, and don’t say ‘thank you’ when they walk past. That weirds them out. A smile is the best bet.
When you are with your girl
We can all get in trouble for ‘looking’. Your choices:
Her: “Stop staring at her”
You: “I can’t help it, she has massive hooters”
You: “Sorry, I think your hair could look nice like that”
Do you choose A being single, or B, almost a compliment.
being a man – Grooming
Less is more
Cock & Balls
Personal preference but as Dr Evil says ‘There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it’s breathtaking”. Include the cock too and go all pornstar. ⇑Hidden level secret: I think it is the only way to fly and it makes your cock look much bigger. And you get to moisturise after.
You will never go back/look back/you might still have a hairy back. Next slide please…
It looks bigger in the bath
Time to Trim
Being a man – Body
A lot of fellas like the no hair on their body. I think women in general like a fella to have hair on the front up top. Back hair may need sorting. Bum hair is ok if fine. If you can plait it you might want to hack it.
Pubic area might want a thinning out, especially in speedos around the pool. If it looks like you are smuggling budgies and the nest they live in over the top of your waist, time to trim.
Some women love the hair on a mans body, especially the chest. Not sure why as it tends to act like velcro, maybe women like to be physically attached.
If you have hairy toes you can just style it out with ‘this little piggy made crackling…’
If you have a hairy legs so did Magnum PI (anyone under the age of 50 might need to Google it), anyone over the age of 30, he was in Friends as Monica’s ‘eye glasses’ Doctor/boyfriend.
It there is one thing that all women want, it is a man that is clean. Soaped up and shower fresh. If nothing else, well conditioned back hair still smells nice, and has a zing. Shower, clean, wash all crevices thoroughly.
It makes you feel good and it is a massive turn-off for women if you are dirty. So:
Fingernails: unless you are a goth, short as you can
Toenails: even if you are goth, short as you can
Teeth: if they don’t squeak, you need to keep cleaning. Roadkill is not the scent we are after
Cock and balls: soap and water
Bumhole: give it a full fettle with soap/water/wipe but make it sparkle like a new penny
Ready Player One, Player Two is joining the game
This cats on it
Fantasy level only.
* Does not work in practice